When our Gaze does not meet God's

When I was in High School, I based a lot of my personal self-worth on sports. God was just a steady constant for me, school wasn't worth my time, and my social life was reasonable enough. During my sophomore year of High School I began to put a lot more of my dedication into sports in the hopes that I could finally excel at a sport I tried. During my Senior year, I caught an awful 48 hour flu two days before a crucial meet for Cross Country which caused me to miss the meet. I turned to God afterwards, but it was in a confused, bitter, and angry manner. I was still recovering from a bout with Depression from the year before, so my prayers weren't quite what they should've been.

How long, O LORD? Will you forget me forever?

How long will you hide your face from me?

How long must I wrestle with my thoughts

and every day have sorrow in my heart?

How long will my enemy triumph over me? -- Psalm 13 1-2

I'm sure we've all felt like the psalmist at some point. We work hard for things, we pray, we thank God for our gifts, we do our best, and for some inexplicable reason it doesn't work out. Maybe we're not good enough for the goal, or circumstances beyond our control stop us, or maybe we just mess up along the way. In times like these it's easy to blame God and to wonder why he hasn't helped his loyal followers achieve their goals.

Look on me and answer, O LORD my God.

Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death;

my enemy will say, "I have overcome him,"

and my foes will rejoice when I fall. -- Psalm 13 3-4

It's easy to forget at times like these what hold the world still has on us. We may say we trust in God, but oftentimes prosperity is just as difficult to remain grounded through. We feel like perhaps we've overcome some adversity in the past by relying on God, and now he's rewarding us with a time of accomplishment. We need to remember that God does not operate on a "Worship=Worldly Success" model. We can never let our gaze stray from God, even when the enemy may lure us away and subsequently taunt us when we fall.

But I trust in your unfailing love;

my heart rejoices in your salvation.

I will sing to the LORD,

for he has been good to me. -- Psalm 13:5-6

Every time I read this passage, I imagine David's physical state. I imagine a man yelling at God and probably crying. His hair is a mess from all the shaking he's done. He's sweating because of the physical toll the stress is taking on him as he unleashes his emotions on his Father. Like any kid, he's losing himself in anger at everything but himself. I imagine things this way because this is what I did when things got screwed up when I was in High School. I got angry, I raged, and I forgot what I owed to my father even in these times of hardship.

I think back to my own parents during this time. They rebuked me when I screwed up, but more importantly they remained patient with me as they knew that I needed to figure out what was really important to me. They waited patiently as I toiled through the mental gymnastics only to come out on the other side exhausted and needing love. When I did, they were there to assure me that everything would be alright, and that they were here to help me every step of the way. I came out knowing that sports, while a good thing and worthy of our best efforts, are not the reason that I am loved. God is the same way, multiplied infinitely. We can no longer see God in times like this, and we assume it's because God has turned his gaze away from us in our most desperate times. The reality is that it is we who have turned away because something glistens and pries us away from the rock of dependability, love, and trust which we forgot we so earnestly need.

As you may rant at God, I hope you come out on the other end exhausted and ready once again for God's love. God did not put you in the awful situation you're in now, but he is ready to fix it for you. Let us remember everything God has done for us, praise him for it, and rest easy knowing that he loves us in spite of how much we may misuse his gifts and forget his unending love.